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[new-continuum] funny stuff

From: byron <droque33@hotmail.com>
Date: Tue, 4 Nov 2003 15:51:50 -0700
To: "just adults" <JustAdultsHavingFun@yahoogroups.com>, "new continuum" <new-continuum@yahoogroups.com>
Message-ID: <BAY1-DAV16VmBQCLAAN0004ce3a@hotmail.com>

It's a Dog's Life
~Copyright 1997-2003 by Chandra K. Clarke~

Gas stations have become the ultimate in convenience centres.
You can fill up the car.  You can buy (what passes for) food, or grab a
(not too lethal) coffee.  Most come with restrooms.  And now, in some
locations across Europe, you can wash your dog.

No, I'm not talking hogwash, I'm talking dogwash.

An enterprising fellow by the name of Steven Jackson, who reckoned
that homeowners found it difficult to bathe their pooches at home, came
up with a system where you can wash, rinse and blow dry your dog,
all for a fiver.

Everyone -- except for the actual dogs, of course -- thinks this is a great
idea.  Personally, I think the inventor was very clever, especially when
you consider all the engineering factors that need to be taken into
account.  Have a look at the instruction manual:

Labrador Retriever - Shampoo.  Rinse yourself.  Rinse the dog.
Rinse yourself.  Repeat.

Chocolate Labs - Wash only with other dark coloured dogs.

Chihuahua - Cold water wash only.  They're small enough already.

Dachshund - Insert sideways into machine for best fit.

Irish Setter - Warning: Use of bleach will make this dog pink.

Coton du Tulear - Cotton wash only, obviously.

Poodle - For best results, use fluff dry setting.

Shar Pei - Avoid the permanent press cycle.

Rottwieler - You're kidding, right?  You really want to try to stick a
rottwieler in this thing?!

Water Spaniel - Extra long rinse cycle.

Bassett Hound - Place ears under shower cap to avoid jamming

Pit Bull - See Rottwieler.

Dalmatian - The spots aren't supposed to come off, silly.  Stop
washing the poor thing.

Borzoi - For best results, wash with vodka.  It won't make the dog cleaner,
but you'll have a better time doing it.

Scottish Deerhound - Yes, we all know that Scotty dogs wear nothing
under their fur.  You don't have to tell every other dog washer there that
tired old joke ...

St. Bernard - Please use extra large, industrial capacity barrel.

Xoloitzcuintle - We don't even know how to pronounce this breed,
much less wash it.


Goldfish - Do not wash goldfish in this machine.  They regard it as an
amusement park (especially the spin cycle) and refuse to leave.

Hamsters - Wash in pairs.  If one goes missing, check the lint trap.

Cats - Warning!  Do not attempt to wash cats in our standard Dogwash
set-up.  Please make use of our special Catwash facilities.  These come
complete with Plexiglas shielding, high strength industrial rivet and
weld construction, titanium feline restraints and express cycle speed
wash.  Not responsible for lost items, such as fingers, pieces of ear,
ends of noses or entire limbs.

Snakes - Don't try to wash a snake in any of our facilities.  They will
only have a hissy fit.

Tarantula - Please be considerate of other patrons and wash these
creatures only in off-peak hours.  Station attendants need extra time
to administer poison bite first-aid; besides, washing all those armpits
will take longer than you think.

Skunks - Be sure to use the Extra Extra Extra Fresh Scent Fabric
Softener when drying your skunk.  Please.  We mean it.

Lop-Eared Rabbits - Do not attempt to claim damages when your rabbit
comes out of the wash.  We know this breed had droopy ears to begin
with, okay?

So, given this new trend, do not be surprised if dogs all around the world
suddenly learn to hate car rides.  Or that your local gas station now
resembles a zoo.

Indeed, you should just go with the flow.  The next time you're selecting
your car wash options at the machine, don't forget to hit the Paws button.

~Copyright 1997-2003 by Chandra K. Clarke~


Let's split up -- we can do more damage that way. 


Byron Raaen

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Received on Friday, 5 September 2003 19:14:15 UTC

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